| Bore 2000
We're depressed.
Sleepy.
Election years used to be a time of dynamic political
and philosophical discussions amongst the citizens. Frankly,
given the choice, do you think the average American is
going to watch the Olympics, or carefully mapped-out debates
between political dopplegangers?
We were excited for a moment when Ralph cut loose, but
then remembered he won't actually be on the ballot in
most states.(Not that we'd vote for him or anything, it
would just spice things up a little bit, like putting
bananas in your Jell-O.) And then there's that other party,
in which journalist Pat what's-his-name is trying to wrestle
all the funds from that other guy whose name no-one can
remember. C'mon guys, if you want to play the game, your
players have to be on the same team.
We're scared, too. What is this "Skull and
Bones" stuff about? Is George W. really part of an elaborate
world-government conspiracy involving Nazis and Geronimo's
skull? We think maybe people are exaggerating, but strange
things do happen between young men in college, don't they...
"Secret Society?
What Secret Society?" |
On a serious note, we find it a little
apalling that elected officials, who legislate their own
income and then extract it from OUR pockets, would even
begin to suggest that they won't debate unless:
a.) the podium's at a 17.3° angle and
low enough to make them look like an alpha male against
their opponent;
b.) Jim Leher or some other neutral party (Like Ghandi,
maybe?) moderates;
c.) the schedule doesn't pit them against GW's appearance
on Oprah; and
d.) "No hard questions, I'm an MBA, not a thinking human
being, for crying out loud..."
That reference above regarding income reminds
us of a joke: Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a
gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant,
the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United
States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger,
"give me MY money."
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Our Dream Candidate |
Anyway, as George jokes
his way to November (when you're born into that kind
of dough, everything's funny, I guess) we'll never forget
the funniest thing to come out of his mouth:
"I am proud to be a
compassionate conservative. I know that this approach
has been criticized, but why? Is compassion beneath
us? Is mercy below us? Should our party be led by someone
who boasts of a hard heart?"
Well, to answer the last
question, we'll ask another: Is it merciful and compassionate
to goad a known militaristic psyochpath into attacking
your allies so that you can decimate (surgically, of
course) said psychopath's civilian populace to show
off the usefulness of all the new billion-dollar hardware
right before congress reviews your bomb-buying habits?
We'll let you decide....
The A2-Z-Z-Z-Z-Guide
If you, like most intelligent
people, turned off your television after five minutes
of the presidential "debate" between those loveable
siamese twins (joined at the smirk) , you shouldn't
have. You should have tuned in the History Channel.
History is always more interesting than the present,
because the future is when we find out about all the
dirty stuff they're keeping from us right now. We're
sure you'll agree that this election year is about as
interesting as a glass of lowfat milk, so to inject
a little fun and help you discern which candidate is
which, we've designed the Candidate Picker. Click Here.(It's
rather graphic-heavy, so be patient.)
Bush Explores Post-Election Employment Possibilities |
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TO TRY THE "CANDIDATE PICKER"
CLICK HERE
| A Few Words About The Liberal Elitist... |
| We think it's pretty clear that this
is parody. We hope you find it amusing, whatever your
political stance. Although we've been accused of being
Liberals ourselves, nothing could be farther from
the truth. It's just much easier to make fun of extremely
priviledged individuals than it is to make fun of
nice guys, and making fun of terrorists is way too
easy. |
| What is a Liberal Elitist? |
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That breed of individual that drives a Lexus, and
talks about mass transit. That uses 200 sheets of
paper a day at the office, but insists on buying
Green Forest toilet paper, even though it's wrapped
in plastic.
Direct Your Gripes Here
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