Just Give Us The 38 Billion Dollars And Stop Asking Stupid Questions...
American taxpayers can be SO annoying when it comes to appropriating funds for your lifelong dream of a police state.

Tom Ridge, Explaining How
Screwed You Are If We're Attacked

That's why the Bush administration recommends you shut up and stop acting so impetuous. Really wealthy people don't ask where their tax dollars go, in fact, they mostly don't have to worry about things like taxes. Just remember the handy color-coded guidelines:

Layed To Rest
Why is it that a meaningless, trashy fling between a president already nicknamed "Slick Willy" and some girl who'd be just as happy dating Tom Green

Bushes take turns getting Layed

launches an investigation that costs taxpayers over 50 million dollars, while a scandal involving

the highest levels of government and the financial security of thousands of hard-working Americans is covered like an editorial page yawn? Maybe it's because people who talk get killed. Our favorite page in this saga was the teary-eyed, Tammy Faye Baker-esque Mrs. Lay sharing the tragedy of the Lay's decision to sell some of their million dollar properties, just to stay solvent. (Tsk tsk.) "Honey, if we have to sell the Aspen Estate, I shall simply PERISH, (sob, sob)..."

"...we like to think of ourselves as the Microsoft of the energy world..."

Our second favorite moment was when Ken Lay backed out of testifying, saying that he didn't realize the hearings would be "prosecutorial" in nature. They're HEARINGS for crying out loud, not golf outings. Hearings are usually held because someone thinks someone DID SOMETHING BAD....

Speaking of Hearings...

Mouse over the Image to un-
mask the power behind Elmo...

Is nothing sacred? In the on-going battle for the public's heart, even Sesame Street is being highjacked for political and financial gain. Elmo joined NAMM President and CEO Joe Lamond in asking for $2 million in federal funding, and wished Karen Hughes' a cheerful farewell. BUT WAIT, who's behind the voice of Elmo???

He's No O.J.
At last, the American media has a chance to redeem itself by crucifying a WHITE MAN before his trial. With over 30,000 pages of

Does this man look
like a killer to you?

documents to back their allegations and a suspect who has a well-known and profound dislike for the victim, it looks like Robert Blake's career has a chance at a powerful comeback, as long as the civil suits that follow aren't too viscious.Our biggest concern? We don't know if we can use the expression "Yo baby, I'm cooler than Baretta" anymore.

DoD For Dummies
We LOVE the new DoD web site. No, really. We haven't had this great a laugh since Al Gore invented the internet. Did you know the Department of Defense is Busier Than Ever? That Big Business Are Them? This is probably the most useful and informative government web site since anthrax.mil, the Flash™-based Hacker-Black-and-Lime-Green site with the sexy voice.

Bombs 'R' US!

With the new & Improved DoD for Dummies, you'll not only find more pictures of Donald Rumsfeld than you can shake a stick at, you'll find a wealth of facts that will astound you and your family for hours. For instance, did you know that:

• Army deployments have increased 300 percent in the past 10 years?

• On any given day the DoD buys enough fuel to drive a car around the world 13,000 times?

• That the DoD is bigger than Exxon Mobil (with whom they must be pretty popular, in light of that previous fact)?

"...we will have won the war on terror when I say so, darn it, now shut up..."

Hiding in the Bushes
We're always astounded by the short attention span of the American public. Remember Neil Bush? The Savings & Loan guy? The Bush kid?

They do a better job of hiding this guy than they do of keeping Gee-dub quiet during an international crisis. ("George, you're grounded. You can't leave the White House for six months, and no un-prepared statements in public 'til 2004!") We're still trying to stomach the irony of Neil developing learning software. Rumour has it the package includes a special module called "Dan & George's Speling Be":

In the words of Neil Bush:

"Learning is not about memorizing.
Memorizing leads to forgetting."

Early releases come with a free version of "Mr. Potatoe Head", in which Dan Quayle inspires hungry young minds with powerful affirmations like "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure". At a recent press conference George Sr. was quoted as saying "We don't mind what Neil's done throughout his life, but it's just not really a Bush family tradition to get caught..."

Iraq Attaq Poll Results

When will the Bush administration attack Iraq to revive sagging approval ratings?   Summer 2002 (16%) Fall 2002 (29%) Winter 2002 (8%) Spring 2003 (9%) Summer 2003 (5%) Fall 2003 (8%) Winter 2003 (12%) Spring 2004 (4%) Summer 2004 (4%) Fall 2004 (1%)

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