They Could've Had A Hero,
but Got Themselves a.....
They've done it again. The Republicans
had in their hands a gem, and traded it in for zirconium.
A quick view of John McCain's record reveals a man of relative
integrity, with no major dirty connections, an actual hero,
not some morally decrepit political family heir with dirty
laundry literally bursting out of his campaign suitcase.
John McCain
U.S. senator, Arizona, 1987-present;
U.S. representative, Arizona, 1983-87;
Senate Navy liaison, 1977-1981;
U.S. Navy, pilot and captain, 1958-1981.
Education:
B.S., U.S. Naval Academy, 1958;
National War College, 1973-74
Military experience:
U.S. Navy, 1958-81
Prisoner of war,Vietnam, 19671973
Received:
Silver Star
Bronze Star
Legion of Merit
Purple Heart
Distinguished Flying Cross.
George W. Bush
Governor of Texas, 1995-present
Managing general partner of Texas Rangers, 1989-94
Republican candidate for U.S. House of Representatives,
Texas, 1978
Founder and CEO of Bush Exploration, an oil and gas company,
1975-87.
Education
B.A., Yale University, 1968
M.B.A., Harvard University, 1975.
Military experience
Texas Air National Guard, 1968-73
Rather unfortunate, in our opinion,
to trade in a war hero for a ball-club owning oil magnate.
Bush trying to catch Gore in the Polls
Speaking of Dirty Laundry...
Ken Starr, P.I., has sent us the bill
for launching Monica Lewinsky's career as an MTV comedy
show guest star. Someone call the Guinness Book of World
Records and tell them to hold the presses, he's stuck
us with a tab totalling $52 Million, exceeding the Lawrence
E. Walsh Iran-Contra investigation (which at least netted
some criminals) by about $4.5 million. As far as we can
tell, the only crimes uncovered in this investigation
had to do with bad taste and with the official use of
Cuban cigars at a time when our government is otherwise
so anti-Cuba that we're holding their schoolchildren for
ransom. Our editors have done some quick math, and found
that $52 Million would buy:
2,080,000 Cuban Cigars
29,050,279 Gallons of gas (At current Secret-Texan-Government inflated prices. Enough
gas to drive 1,210,428 miles, certainly not far enough
away from modern politics for our tastes.)
2,081,665 Copies of any of
the books spun off the fiasco.
1 Minute of Advertising Airtime
during the hearings
1 Standard presidential campaign.
(See Below)
3,062,426 Copies of Al Gore's
new rap CD. (See Below)
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Al "MC Bulworth" Gore:
Al's in the House!
We wish we had made this
one up:
We make the tough decisions,
they take depositions. . . .
We know our future's nearing, they want to hold more
hearings. –ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL, 1998
Ever Wondered Who's Giving Campaign
Funds To Whom ?
We found the list below interesting for a number of reasons,
including the quantities of loot given to BOTH parties
by corporations like ATT and RJR Nabisco.
1995 Soft Money Contributions
To Democrats:
Ziff Communications: $380,000
AT&T:
$313,684
Joseph Seagram & Sons:
$285,000
MCI Corp:
$279,750
Miramax Films Corp:
$276,000
B.L. Schwartz:
$240,500
Lazard Freres & Co:
$235,000
Dream Works:
$225,000
Anheuser-Busch:
$215,250
Laborer's Union:
$205,000
MCA Inc:
$200,000
Connell Co:
$200,000
Philip Morris:
$199,000
Atlantic Richfield:
$185,500
Milberg, Weiss et al: $180,000
Johnny Chung (AIS):
$175,000
Stallion USA Inc:
$150,00
RJR Nabisco:
$126,250
Elec. Workers Union:
$125,000
Entergy Corp:
$121,500
Gore's already kickin' back at the
beach
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1995 Soft Money Contributions To
Republicans
Philip Morris:
$992,149
RJR Nabisco:
$696,450
AT&T:
$370,00
American Financial Corp:
$330,000
Atlantic Richfield:
$322,175
News America Pub. Inc:
$265,000
Brown & Williamson:
$265,000
Archer-Daniels-Midland:
$255,000
Time Warner:
$250,000
Textron Inc.:
$218,700
NYNEX:
$206,405
PaineWebber:
$195,000
Forstmann, Little & Co:
$185,000
Reliance Group Holdings:
$180,000
Joseph Seagram & Sons:
$175,000
Blue Cross/Blue Shield:
$161,203
Limited Inc:
$160,000
Pfizer Inc:
$156,000
Chevron Corp:
$154,400
US Asia Comm. Dvlpmnt Co:
$150,000
Pilgrim's Pride Corp:
$150,000
Freddie Mac:
$150,000
Gore Inventing the Internet
| A Few Words About The Liberal Elitist... |
| We think it's pretty clear that this
is parody. We hope you find it amusing, whatever your
political stance. Although we've been accused of being
Liberals ourselves, nothing could be farther from
the truth. It's just much easier to make fun of extremely
priviledged individuals than it is to make fun of
nice guys, and making fun of terrorists is way too
easy. |
| What is a Liberal Elitist? |
|
That breed of individual that drives a Lexus, and
talks about mass transit. That uses 200 sheets of
paper a day at the office, but insists on buying
Green Forest toilet paper, even though it's wrapped
in plastic.
Direct Your Gripes Here
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