In this final election
year of the millenium, an era comes to a close, and
a new age dawns. Or so one would hope...
Instead, we're treated to the same hackneyed methods of
smearing and belittling that the Romans perfected more than
two-thousand years ago. At least the gods are favouring
us with easy prey for the grist-mill.
Free press fodder like George Bush Jr., brother of the long-forgotten
(and still not indicted) Neal; son of ex-CIA director and
former president George Bush Sr.
Bush Vainly Reaches Out For The "Youth
Vote"
If the good ol' boys need a "great white
hope", he's about as white as they get without actually
donning the pointy hat.
And McCain? Let's start with the name:
doesn't that mean "of the clan of Cain"? Should give the
bible-thumpers a chill...
Personally, we think he's part of an elaborate Republican
spin designed to confuse the already-confused modern Liberal.
He brings to mind the joke about how the Republicans got
so far to the left, and the Democrats chasing them there.
And then we have Al Gore. What a name,
for starters. Sounds kind of Republican or something.
Or like a Kurt Vonnegut character. Does this man even
create a shadow? Who knows, maybe he'll surprise us and turn out to be
a Gerald Ford or George Bush or...or...
LBJ or something.
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In actuality, a four-year
hiatus from political excitement could be just what
the country needs, and if Al wants to help out, more
power to him. He'd have my vote, but he still has a
bit too much of that Clinton-musty-there's-no-dead-body-in-the-closet
smell.
Bush Looks On Dumfounded As Constituents
Ask For Their Money Back
We at the Z-GUIDE hope that as Americans become more sophisticated,
moving away from pot-pie and "Mountain Dew" towards
truly continental tastes like sun-dried tomato ranch
dressing and instant cappucino, perhaps their political
awareness will evolve too, and they'll realise that
the biggest thing wrong with our government is that
it's, well, the biggest thing, period. Until we collectively
come to the realisation that the reason the average
working person can't afford to buy a house is that he's
giving all his tax dollars to a bunch of idiots who
get six-digit incomes to sit around scratching their
heads, wondering where all the money's going. We
don't expect this epiphany to occur anytime soon, so
in the meantime, we'd like to propose some alternate
candidates and platforms for November.
(By the way, if you'd
like to write us in, feel free, we're all over thirty-five.)
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Some previous hopefuls
who have totally disappeared:
- Gerry Brown demoted himself to
mayor of Oakland, Ca.
- Ross Perot's ears finally staged
a coup and took over his head.
- After mobilising a million men,
the Secret Government frightened Louis Farrakan into
Libyan anonymity.
- Dan Quayle's been "held back"
three times now in his third-grade spelling remedials
Alternative Tickets:
William
Shatner & Leonard Nimoy. DeForrest Kelley can
be surgeon general. President Shatner is already a known
womaniser, so there'd be no scandals.
The
Skipper & Gilligan. The Professor would be
an inspiration to us all, just by being a person with
a high I.Q. who holds a government position.
David
Letterman & Paul Whats-his-name. Whenever Dave
fell flat on an issue, Paul could pick things up with
a musical number, or they could do a "Top Ten Reasons
for Sex in the Oval Office."
| A Few Words About The Liberal Elitist... |
| We think it's pretty clear that this
is parody. We hope you find it amusing, whatever your
political stance. Although we've been accused of being
Liberals ourselves, nothing could be farther from
the truth. It's just much easier to make fun of extremely
priviledged individuals than it is to make fun of
nice guys, and making fun of terrorists is way too
easy. |
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