Bush Gives Up On Earth, Suggests Going To Mars
President Bush has finally decided to recognize that there is a kind of space other than the space between his ears. In a bold new initiative, he's announced his support of "spatial entrepreneurs" (windows audio, 29k), and

Our Proposed Colonization Team

acknowledged that the Earth is doomed if we don't start spending more taxpayer dollars on contracts awarded to Halliburton to drill for oil on the Moon, Mars, or heck, maybe even the Sun.

Lost In Space

Upon seing the first photos from NASA's Spirit lander, the president was quoted as saying:

"Hot damn, somebody already done bombed it, all we gotta do is commence to drillin'!"

For more on the bold new initiative visit "Get Your War On Mars"

Bush Announces Billion Dollar Plan To Promote Marriage
Unless you're gay, of course. The Bush administration seems unable to take note of the fact that the American public likes being single or divorced (what would we do without shows like

The Bush Administration Has Enjoyed A Long & Fruitful Marriage To The Oil Industry

"Elimidate" or "Joe Millionaire", for instance?), or that they're already tired of funding the Bush's various marriage fiascos. For more on the Bush family's bridal plans through the years, see "The Barreling Bushes".

Cheney's Undisclosed Locations
Apparently there was more than one tyrannical leader hiding in that spider hole. We've tracked down yet another of Cheney's undisclosed locations:

Dick Claims He Wasn't "Laying Pipe" With Saddam